life, love & sex.

So I started to think about the birds and the butterflies. You know; Sex, love and life and everything in between. And how confusing one with another can mess up your mental health and how we try so hard to convince one of it is another. Let me say, sex is not love and arguably life is not love. And the moment you believe what some neurotic person said, something like “you don’t really live until you fall in love or something,” you’re doomed. Doomed for life. And from then on you start living your life thinking you’re some pathetic lonely person who’s gonna die alone and you’re not pretty or worth of anything, but like really? stop whatever the television shows you're watching.


Now don’t get me wrong, falling in love is a beautiful thing. but it’s not everything and certainly not something you should do just because you’re lonely. Its something that must happen because someone brings more color to your life. You should never be with someone to add color to your life.


Now sex, love and all these things can be confusing. Or we make them to be. Or we just pretend them to be so we can tell ourselves all the mindless orgasms are out of love or all the heartache we bear for love is worth it ‘cos life is like that. As long as there’s someone to blame I think we’re all fine with sex, love and life and living in a constant confusion.


I wonder why we even have sex? Most of the time it’s just to make yourself feel good, to tell yourselves that you still got it. But what you should know is sex is not that hard to find, specially when no-one makes love anymore like in those old Hollywood movies. Walk in the parks and holding hands are silly acts, it’s all about closed doors and beds now. so when you tap some ass, spare me the details, it only annoys me and shows your insecurities. getting laid is so mediocre, Do we even believe anyone below thirteen is a virgin anymore? Even if they hardly knew how to kiss properly or give a toe clutching blow job while you could hear his heart pumping out of his chest?


We all have become just animals running after our next prey. Not that I’m saying that there’s anything wrong with it. As long as you knows who's the hunter and who's the prey. Someone said “there’s only a little difference between being sexually liberated and being used.” And that's the same meaning I wanna bring to the terms man whore and a slut. And I wish people knew the difference between quantity and quality and cute smile and puppy eyes is not quality.


Now, wondering the difference between a man whore and a slut? Slut is cheap hooker who’d sleep with anyone or anything to make themselves feel good. To feel you’re worth it, only to be used and dumped like a piece of trash most probably. But these ones are no any less proud about all the meat they’ve had. A Man whore on the other hand are a sacred kind. They sure do sleep with a many of them but they select and choose who they want. Now the next time you use these term, do responsibly.


I know life, love and sex can bring us down sometime. But it all comes down to the control we all have on each of it. Don’t believe what anyone say, make your own rules. Don’t wait for someone to come and love you, start today by loving yourself. Make your life happen. Don’t let anybody tell you, you can’t. its these simple things that will go a long way. so when sex happens you'll have control. when love happens, you'll be whole anyway. and if life brings you down, you'll know how to get right back up.


So believe. Live. Love and make love.

Break Another Little Piece Of My Heart!

The thing about break ups is nomatter how many you’ve had before, the next one always hurts the worst, It’s like you somehow manage to fall a little deeper each time. Give a little more. Wish a little harder. And nomatter who calls the shots, the pain is never any less. It’s like we always wish for a little more, more memories, more pain, more damage. Maybe instead of getting wiser, every time we fall in love we lose a little more of our heads with our hearts. What if we give away a little piece of our hearts everytime we fall in love and eventually we ran out?

Sometimes love is like a great trailer to a movie we never got to see. We build all these hopes and expectations that we crash even harder. Better the memories, greater the pain. Why do we always let someone in so that they can walk away leaving memories so bitter sweet that you’re never sure if you’d ever pick yourself up from the floor? Why do we always wish for happiness like it’s a missing puzzle wrapped in someone else’s fingers? Are we just looking for someone to blame when everything fails?

Can we love someone too much that we have to let go?

Maybe it’s not so much the pain of losing. It’s the fact that they move on without us that hurts. As much as it hurts to imagine them being touched by someone else, It’s also a competitions, who will get laid before, who will find someone else first. There’s only gonna be more songs that we’re never gonna be able to listen to. Moment that will go back to that will make us smile for a moment and break us a little more forever. Friends that will be put in spot, friends that will have to come for rescue. Calories that will take years to take off. Dark circles under our eyes and silly break up songs that will make even Taylor Swift look cliché.

Numbers just keep going higher and chances just keep going lower with hope that someday we all will find love; the teaching that we all have that someone special who will sweep us off our feet. Maybe it’s that our expectations are too high and our tolerance levels are too low, we all want love but noone want to compromise. whatever it maybe, where is the love? We keep looking, we keep longing, maybe all the wrong things at the wrong places. But hearts are meant to love, not for perfections. Maybe they should have come with their owe virus guard, a programme that could erase all the pain instantly. That one day you’re gonna wake up feeling like everything fine.

If anything a break up should teach us is not to fall in love, but, maybe the wonder in it is that we still do. That’s what magical. Maybe its better to love with a broken heart, that you will hve that many little pieces to love with.

It’s this unbearable feeling of loneliness that kills you the most. The feeling that keeps you from turning off the lights and falling asleep. Just as you have gotten over the fear of monsters and scary creature under your bed, There comes a feeling that scares you the most, Loneliness. It doesn’t matter even if you have been a long distance relationship for months, the moment things fall apart this wave of emotions hit you like you’re all alone in a tiny room. Nomatter who’s by your side this feeling cannot be fought. Maybe it’s this feeling of loneliness that drives us to the utter madness of falling in love again.

I can’t even begin to understand why we keep doing this over and over and over again. Jump head first hoping to be saved. It’s a good thing that hearts don’t wear out with each heartache. It’s a good thing heart attacks are not caused by loving too much? How long would we have lived for? With all this pain and heartache I can’t stop but ask myself, eventually we will all find love, right?

Faith!

So the church going, praying two times a day, go partying wearing a rosary around his neck boy walked into a room with an upside down cross. it felt weird. Evil. I thought for a minute what to say? Then I thought if I should say anything at all? It’s 21st century and everyone has the right for self-expression, it rude to question anyone’s’ artistic or in my head devilish expressions. Everytime I looked at the cross, I had images of Jesus in my head, what would he say? Would he condemn me for not proclaiming his power?

I was wearing a rosary around my neck and my friend said “that’s very offensive,” my other friend pointed at the African tribal necklace she was wearing and said “well X someone would find what you’re wearing offensive.” So faith? Does it need defending?

When the Da Vinci code was released and when it was banned I thought to myself, I believe in Jesus. He came, died on the cross and delivered what he was supposed to. It didn’t matter to me if he was married or had a child. Some one might question if it’s faith or just justification? But why should it really matter as long as he saved the world.

Faith is not just about religion. It’s faith in ourselves. In the ones we love. Faith that everything is gonna be alright. Tell me, would you rather have faith in me and keep me or doubt me and lose me? Why is it so hard to believe that I honestly care for u! I believe it’s a gift to have the power to believe in something you can’t see, touch or explain. What’s love? What good if you don’t wanna just close your eyes and just jump head first, not even knowing someone would catch you!

It’s amazing how we could get into a cab and trust a stranger with our lives. Its funny how we can pick up some guy and have a one-night stand, but when it comes to love, creeps in all the doubts. Isn’t easier when u believe in something.? When you have something to hold on to, somebody to blame. What use if we don’t have the power to believe in something we can touch. Something we can’t see. But just feel all around us. Is love that unreal? A touch that makes you feel everything’s gonna be ok. All you’ve just gotta have is some Faith-ah, faith-ah-faith-ah!

Call me crazy but I have faith in wishing on fallen eyelashes, 11:11 and totally, totally on shooting stars. And nomatter how many times I’ve been disappointed, I still have faith that as promised love will indeed conquer it all!

Faith is a gift, I believe! Sometimes to close your eyes and tell yourself that everyday is not gonna be the same. To look into the eyes of someone you love and know, they didn’t really mean to hurt you. Hold the hand of someone you love and know, goodbyes are not forever. It takes faith. I don’t know how to learn it, how to teach it or even how to preach it. It’s a wonderful gift.

We’ve all been let down and misunderstood. It’s not somuch religion but everything around us. Maybe it’s true, we just need something to hang on to, something to blame on when we screw up, but to hell with it, it feels dama good to believe. It dosen’t really matter what you believe in, Jesus or Lady Gaga, we all need something to hang onto. Something to pull us through our darkest times and without faith everything is just empty. So all I want is for you to believe. Have some faith in something. Preferably Me.
You.
And Love.

Or I'll Shoot Myself!

He held the gun to his head.
Tell me,
or I’ll shoot myself.
He was just two feet away from him.
Why didn’t he point the gun at him?
Don’t say it’s love!
Is love that strong?

It would have been so damn effective,
He would have told what he wanted to hear.
But he held the gun to his own head.
Yet, he told what he wanted to hear.
Why didn’t he let him die?
Don’t say it’s love.
Is love that strong?

What did he want to hear?
Tell me,
Or I’ll shoot myself!

I Just Want Someone!

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want somebody to stand in the rain with me. Hold my hand when waves touch my feet. Kiss me when the wind mess up my hair. Share ice cream and hug me to sleep.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to watch American idol with. Just spend hours without uttering a word. Call a fool just because I want to. Someone I can send random texts to.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone I can wake up in the middle of the night just because I feel lonely. Ask the silliest question. To get naughty and be called good.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to sit by me to all the silly chick flicks. Someone I can bug with when my best friend is being a bitch. Hide under when the whole world is a bitch. Someone to randomly call and make him listen o silly song!

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone I can send cards for no particular reason. Write silly notes to. Squeeze ‘til he scream. Someone I can feel the weight on me. Mess up his hair.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone who can drive me crazy. Make me feel. Who makes me so mad for not calling. Who makes me so happy for texting. Just someone I can call my own.






- thank you Savi for the inspiration. -

Have You Ever Loved Someone!

Have u ever loved somebody so much
That you just couldn’t let go?
Have you ever loved somebody so much
That it hurts
And the only way to be brave was to let go?

Have u ever wanted somebody so much
The only way to cope with it was to let go?
Have u ever loved somebody so much
That you missed them that much
The only way to be brave was to let go?

Have you ever loved someone so much
That you lost yourself?
Have you ever missed someone so much
That you felt numb?
Have u ever loved someone?

Kiss Without Attachment!

Kiss without attachment.


So it’s been an age long question, can you kiss without attachment?


We’ve been told that women would never graduate from that school, but really, are men any better? When you’re in that moment, body to body, your finger tips touching, the heat of their breath on your face, your lips touch each other and you feel their heart beat against your skin, is it just a hard on?


You have someone in your arms and for a moment, you think you were the only one to have held them like that. You make love to them and you wonder who they are thinking of? You make love to someone and you wonder if it’s any good for them? You make love to them and their phone goes off and you wonder, am I the only? You tell yourself its just sex. But is it, ever, really just sex?


And then there are the little more important ones. Ones who are not just one night stands but important people who you can’t just keep your hands off. More than friends, less than lovers but, still, all that important in your life kindda ones. These situations that are mostly likely to end up in a whole big mess! Where do you draw the lines when you shack up with your friends? Someone you really adore but don’t wanna get into a whole relationship mess afraid of losing them, yet, too hot not tap that. What are the rules? Can you tell me that you can kiss without attachment? Secretly not wanting to be the only one. No jealousy.


We talk shit. We walk tall, we say we don’t care. We say it’s just sex, But when you lean down to kiss someone, hold so tight closer to your body, are you anything but vulnerable? Are you anything but just two people alone in the world? And what's sex? isn’t it an attachment right there? Honestly, we don’t go around doing that kindda stuff with anyone. We choose. We rule out. We decide. Even though we may have been some places that we may regret and never wanna talk about, there must be something that captured out eyes in the first place!



On the other hand we may walk out that room and go on with life as it was half an hour ago before you walked into that room. Sure, that it is possible to walk away from that emotional attachment and we might survive, but, dose it mean we are ever free of it? Maybe not long lasting, but are we ever free of attachments when we kiss?



It’s all so fine as long as they are vulnerable in your arms so that you get to be the hero. Maybe we just want them to stay tangled up in our messy little emotions so that we don’t have to watch them move on. Maybe it’s the self-fish little creatures in us, maybe it’s the caring little creatures in us that we don’t want the world to see. But who’d believe you, it’s just sex right? Who’s using who and who’s being used?


Does anyone see that the whole no attachment is maybe, just maybe some shield all of us wear scared to be hurt. Rejected. That it could be some silly attempt at keeping things just as they are when we all know change is inevitable? There are only ass-holes and the ones who are being used. Does anyone think for a moment that maybe, that ass-hole is scared of hurting someone but just can’t stay away from all the emotions that come over him that he can’t deny or give a name or describe! Is it wrong to be more practical and think maybe being in love is not the only reason to make love!


You can have attachments without touch, but can you touch without any attachment? Who can wear diamonds without feeling guilty for chopping of some finger of an innocent Sierra Leonian ? Who can two big macs without feeling guilty for all the calories? Who can kick a dog and not feel bad?


And then there’s the non-attached sex between exes. What other ways to spell disaster? With all that past emotional baggage and possibly some unresolved emotions of one party, this is never a good ending. This is the typical human nature with issues of letting go. Let alone to have sex, Who even remains friends after a break up? It only gets worse when one person starts dating others and finally ready to move on. Who’s gonna feel dirty and used?


Someone once told me that sex is the only honest things and love is nothing as such. But then thought to myself, I have fallen in love with people for no particular reason at all. Just for someone unknown reason, butterflies in my stomach. But I have never been sexually attracted to someone for those same reasons, they were all very carefully thought of, some certain type, for a certain walk of life, looks, height.


Now I know there are people who can eat two big macs and not put on weight, and I know people who wears diamonds not even knowing where they come from and people who only like cats. People are different. And maybe that’s the problem. While you draw rules and play the game, sometime players fall short and cheat, they try to bend the rules and the whole team gets the blame and falls apart.


And when it’s all a big damn mess and you’ve already kissed and attached what do you do. What do you do when it’s a real good friend, do you sit and let them fall through. And when you have tried all you can to keep it together, do u just give up? Is a kiss worth it all? and a suggestion that maybe kissing must stop to save whatever else that two people could become, something deeper than an orgasm and something more like friendship, is it worth silent treatment? Or should we just grow up and face the facts? It’s easy to blame everything on someone, clearly the one with no less attachments and more reality for they are the ones who seem strong. Who cares about what they feel, right? What do they know but to sex it up? Does that make you the dog who used your friend, or just more realistic that sometimes you can’t make things out of nothing, That sand castles may look damn pretty but you can’t actually live in them!


So the thing is, attachments are like the wind. There’s no basis to it, it’s just a feeling. Silly little feeling that sneaks in when you least expect it. The unknown reason you’re smiling after that one night you’ve made love to a complete stranger who have now become someone who defines a chapter of your life. And like wind, you cant control these feelings. There’s always someone who gets hurt and someone who feels used. Although it takes two, but there must always be someone to blame! So, Kiss without attachment anybody?

Nineteen!

At 19
It’s hard for you compensate and understand
And rationalize the 23 year old me
To you
I’m just ignorant and blind
Someone who keeps breaking your heart

At 19
You can’t see what I see
That you don’t even know what you want
That you will change
And you might break my heart
At 19
You can’t see I’m afraid too

At 19
You don’t understand
That once I was 19
And I’ve lived through changes to see
What lies ahead of you
I know u think you got it all figured out
But you don’t have a clue

At 19
I’m nothing but an ass hole to you
I can’t wait for you to grow up
And realize that what I did was out of love
Hoping to save whatever we share, for years to come
At 19
Nothing of this matters to you
But at 23, years after 19
You look at life completely differently
And I can’t wait for you
To be 23 and see life that way

At 23
To know that I’m not an asshole
And I understand
At 19,
Everything is against you
But sometime you can’t see
How much I adore you.
Wait and see…

Nothing!

I’m not sorry
About the time I’ve lost
I’m just scared
It will be five years from now
And I’ll still be in love with you

There’s a whole lot of history
And so little memories

I’m so grateful
Of all the lessons I’ve learned
I’m just mad
I’m willing to make those same mistakes
Just to still be in love with you

There’s a whole lot history
And love I couldn’t give to you

I’m not masochistic
Just numb after all those cold night
I’m just broken
But I’ll lick my wounds and heal myself
Longing to still be in love with you

there’s Whole lot of history
Of
Whole lot of…

It Gets Better!

So I’ve been reading about all the teen gay suicides this past weekend and its breaks my heart. And it feels so personal, like I can feel their pain, 'cos i know that feeling. It also sickens me how helpless I feel that there’s nothing much I can do about it. Mostly because that there’s somuch that can be done but I live in a country that being gay is illegal so there’s no way anyone could address this matter in the open but in hiding.



And it kindda makes me mad when an American commit suicide for being bullied. I know it doesn’t matter where you are ,being bullied is hard. Heart breaking and shameful. But try living in an Asian country where being gay is illegal and such a social taboo that can leave you homeless and jobless. Does being insulted still sound like a big deal? Especially when there’s somuch help all around. Don’t get me wrong, I just wish they chose life.



I know it’s not easy when you’re 13 and have to go to school and to be told things that are hard to tolerate. But suicide? I can’t believe how easy lot of these people living in developed countries have it, that everything little thing is such a big deal. It’s like all those spoiled rich kids I know who find it traumatizing to skip lunch to do a group assignment!



Yet, it’s heart breaking ‘cos I know our problems are our own and they are the biggest we know. It’s heart-breaking to know these beautiful people will never live to see the changes that are coming. The better days that are yet to come. And happy days. Graduation. First date. Next Glee episode. New gaga music. Maybe a gay president some day. If African Americans found suicide to be an easy answer during civil rights movement we may never have seen an African-American president. For things we believe, we have to fight. If Mr & Mrs Lovers thought suicide was the easy way out, we wouldn’t have seen interracial matrimonial. Sometimes life is not easy but it gets better, Always.The results you'll see are priceless and might change the world someday.




I live in an Asian country. I live in a place homosexuality is a crime. I live in place where homosexuality is a taboo. I live in a place where homosexuality is a best kept secret. I live in a place where homosexuality is almost a myth. I live in a place where my homosexuality is the most powerful weapon against me. But I still choose to live. Choose to love. Choose to fight for my rights. But I’d be lying if I say I haven’t considered suicide. Sometimes what seems like the only option. -The easy way out. But I was lucky there was more love in my life than hate. And looking back I see how small they all seem. How non-significant and irrelevant! It’s sad some of us never live pass that dark moment to realize this.



How do we let some people get so lonely? People around us. People we know. People we love. How many of us walk away when we can help.



The thing is, a well lived life is the best revenge. ‘cos if you go through with suicide, the people who led you up to it will eventually forget it. Get over it. Seek help maybe. But the truth is they will get over it and move on to live their life. Whose loss?



If you’re considering suicide, remember the ones who love you. Your family. The pain you’re leaving behind. The untold story. Is all that pain worth your easy escape? Don’t prove the ignorant ones right.Prove them that you deserve to be here as much as them.They may seem stronger but love will get you through. Seek help. Call a hot line. Anonymous chat rooms. Just talk. Prove them wrong. Live your life. Achieve what you may.



They say you’re not defined by your sexual orientation. But the truth is, you’re sexual orientation is part of what you are. It shapes you and defines you to a certain percentage. So deal with it. Self-acceptance is the key. When you love your self there’s rarely space for hate to creep in. deal with it, you’re gay. You’re a homosexual. You’re a fag. It doesn’t matter what they call you. Heterosexual will not take offense at pussy licker. Should you take offense at cock sucker? When you stop paying attention to their hate, when they realize that they don’t intimidate you, eventually hate will stop. When you don’t give them what they expect, they will stop. Don’t let them take pleasure out of your pain. Stay strong. Smile, love. Live.



I know sometimes nothing seems right. Sometime no-one seems to understand but remember you’re never alone. You’re not the only one who feels that way and always remember that If you make it through the rough times and live to tell your stories you might save someone’s life. You might change your world and someone else’s with your courage! But if you take the easy way, you might set an example to many struggling teenagers around you that this might be the only answer. So decide for yourself, will you give up or hold on to see the difference. The change, even if it’s in tiny steps, but that we certainly see coming. Will you give up or live to see the better days and tell the story to someone like you to hold on to the truth that ItGetsBetter?


Smile. Love. Live. because, always, ItGetsBetter!

Pieces Everywhere!

Remember
You and me.
Once we were one.
Your new lover is not such a big surprise.
5 feet 10 and no sense of humor.
Wide open legs and light blue eyes.


Maybe strangers,
Friends in the dark.
I'll remember him
When I don’t wanna love you anymore
But,
I’m not that strong.
You’re a hurricane.

Walk away.
I’ll stand still.
I pray
My legs are weak
For both our sakes
we must not go back.

Sorry for everything I never asked from you
Forgive me for everything I offered to you
Take back all the nothing you gave me
Keep my everything
Be kind with my heart.

Friends Or Something Like It!

And I got to think about friendships. People that we meet along the way. People who touch our lives and thne disappear even before the heat it caused fades away. People are different, they have different expectations, sometimes we can’t fulfill them!

Now there are people who put their arms around your neck for a free shot of liquor or for a shot at your hot best friend and they play their game right. How do we ever know if we are being played? And then there are the rumors for ones personal interest. Don’t you just hate it when someone take something you said totally out of context and set fire between friends. When the truth is you actually did say such thing but meant it completely differently.

When friends fall apart, say hurtful things and are we suppose to just let go? But I learnt, rumors, fights, misunderstandings, backstabbing and heart-breaks are good. You get to know who your real friends are. Those who understand you.

So backstabbing. When you’re a group of friends, is showing you concern backstabbing? That someone might be an alcoholic? That someone might be gay. And what’s so poisonous about the truth? Why is it so hard to take the truth standing up like a man and take it. In the end, I wonder, if the good friends are those who smile and just let you do your thing. ‘cos there’s never been a single time that it ended up well when someone said, the douche your best friend seeing is an asshole or the friend who drinks too much and acts violent ruin all the fun. Are we just supposed to wait ‘til everything goes wrong? Or should we just slowly breakaway and watch ‘til it all comes down?

So friends do fight, they say things they don’t mean. Sometimes we do things that are hurtful. But it’s important that we always have conscious that it’s not so outta line because there’s no such thing as forgive and forget. People remember, so next time you have that big fight with your friend, don’t say things you can’t take back. Slap them, but don’t say thing that you can’t take back!

And what about picking sides? When your best friend is having a bitch fit is it necessary we give the nigga please or are we suppose to smile and just say hello! How do we stay civilized yet loyal?

Information you share with friends can be turned around and turned into backstabbing? The things is, there are honest mistakes and then there are intentional damages. How are we to forgive? The truth I rather eat alone than to be sitting at a table full of pretenders. Users.

Now forgiveness is tricky. Just because we don’t talk to someone doesn’t mean we hate them. But once the damage is done isn't it worse to go back and keep the same company. Why are we the bad guys when we fail to forgive, since when is it wrong to have our own defense system against haters?

So the truth is this, friends are precious. And it doesn’t matter what you do, those who stand by you will always do so and those who wanna see you fall, will do anything in their power to make it happen. So be wise, laugh, love, make memories and know that only a very few cherish them so know the ones who do and and hold on to them!

Sex, I And The City!

So finally I got to see sex and the city 2 and I realized I haven’t posted my monthly blog post and here it comes, homage to my favorite TV show, my relationship bible, my addiction, my survival, my emotional time bomb. Remember “we’re so over, we need a new word for over”

So I got my hands on the 4^th season first. Ironic and wired. I don’t even know why I picked it up! I had NO idea what it was about. But then there was Carrie and Mr. big dram and man was I hooked? Somehow 4^th season is my favorite. They never dated during that season. But they were crazy in love with each other through out the season. I painted my room red, ‘cos Mr. Big painted it red. And when Carrie said to Mr. big, “You owe it to us, and by us I mean New York and me…” and then she repeats it to reconfirm the date, “you owe it to us, and… by us I mean you and I...” that was… cute! Me memorable and makes you do crazy things like call the one who got away knowing it might be a mistake, but, “Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.”

And I got an apple ‘cos Carrie’s got one. And I will go to New York just to sit at a star bucks and take a pic looking out of a big glass window. It’s not just a TV show, it’s a life style, it created a whole new generation of single people!

Much I learnt about love and relationships from it but like Carrie nothing I practice somehow it helps very much when I preaches to everyone else. “honey, if he’s too good to be true, he probably is!” and sometime everybody needs space, sometime you have to let go. Mr. big was never wrong, he was just not ready. So what? Sometimes people take time! And we must learn to respect and to know to leave things at a place where we can pick it up again!

I have watched the whole season over more than 10 times, seen the first movie more than 15 times and just under 3 weeks of getting an original copy of the 2^nd movie, I’ve seen it like 4 times. I know every quote. Sometime I imagine losing my memory, and it’s sad that I imagine enjoying it for the sole purpose of having the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen next? Will Mr. big finally come around? will Carrie marry Aiden?

It’s ironic how things so insignificant can turn out to be so “big” in your life. The guy who literally crash into you on the road and help you pick up the stack of condoms that fell from you purse end up being the love of your life! That guy who makes you do the impossible, the guy you compare everyone else to, the guy you think of every time you fall in and out of love. The guy who shut your eyes to the truth that there are better ones out there. The guy who falls in love with another whore who makes you feel so small while you cut off everybody who says he’s wrong. The guy who keep you hoping, take a flight knowing that you’ll wait, stand you up at the alter just coos he knows he’ll be forgiven. That guy, so wrong yet so right!

here's a little confession, if not for sex and the city, i wouldn't have been so screwed up. the hope that all this waiting will be worth it in the end.

Yet it taught me not to expect the right things from the wrong one! Not to expect more than one’s willing to give, sometime you just have to stand still and keep loving , hoping one day, just one day they realize that you’ve been there all along.

I believe every guys must watch this, I know it’s quite the chick-flick but it will teach you so much about women and relationships, let you in on their secrets. Trust me you’ll be wiser! It’s the girl-talk that you’ll have with your woman!

I don’t know why I’m writing this. But it’s the story f my life. I don’t know who Carrie is. I don’t know who Mr. big is. I don’t know who Aiden is, but it’s my life. What do you do when you have found the love of your life yet can’t find a way to work it out? How do you make them believe? Isn’t five years of waiting for nothing in return proof enough?

The again “not every love story is an epic love story, but it doesn’t make them any less filled with love” but does it matter when u lose the one thing that matters to you the most? Are you gonna wait six damn long years hoping that person will find their way to you! Six years, we’re running out of time already!

It sucks, eveytime Carrie given in, I give in. I pick up the phone, I type that message. i'm a masochist for even watching it over again, knowing that it makes me miss you more than i do every minute of everyday!

Things don’t always go your way. Love hurts. It tears you apart. Sometime people you love leave you. You can’t always give people what they need. Sometime you fall in love for the wrong reasons, you end up hurting people. Sometime you waste people’s time, when a man gets down on his knees and lift a ring at you, sometimes you say yes, even though you’re supposed to say no. You make mistakes. That’s alright. You hurt people. That’s alright ‘cos sometimes it’s the only way to stop hurting them in the long run. That punch in the stomach. The wound so bad they may hate you but will realize over time that it was for the best. You can’t make your heart feel something you won’t. Sometimes you risk the company of somebody who truly cares for you hoping for the company of someone YOU really care of.

Of all the crazy out fits and fantasy it portrays the story underneath is very real. The hope that “Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better.” Sometimes love fails you, it knocks you down so hard. Sometime that very person you wanna talk your day through with might not be there. One person you wanna hold will leave you dead cold. So it’s ok to indulge yourself to $1000 shoe, if it gets you on that kindda high!

One thing for sure “No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.” So maybe “boys are just play things and friends are your soul mates” that is convincing. Most of the time they come and go but your friends stick by. “it might not be picture perfect, but sometime it takes a friend to make the picture perfect.” appreciate your friends, don’t take them for granted. When that “big” love fails you or disappoints you, you need a safety net.

I’m not sure if I really wrote what I wanted to write. But here it is, for sex and the city. And here’s hoping they make another six movies although I don’t believe they have quite the magic that the show carried, but it’s always nice to see the girls and spend sometime with them. That might be the gayest thing I’ve said, but it feels good.

So don’t give up, hope against hope ‘cos love exists. Hope for that “big love.” Look for your “Zaa Zaa Zuu,” nothings worth it without that feeling and always remember, “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Between The Lines!

So..,

How can I expain.

A different guy fell in love with an amazing girl

No doubt you’re perfect and

Yes, I did really fall in too deep

And I was scared I’ll lose you, i lost you anyway!

19 Year Old Gay Lovers!

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Loving Is My Sin!

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned looked
For i looked at him
And thought of making love to him
So gently
Like no woman could

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned touched
For i touched him
On places i shouldn’t have
So softly
Like no real man should

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned kissed
For that i kissed him
And tasted his breath
So closely
Like his only man

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned loved
A man with all my heart and soul
And searched for happiness
So secretly
Like it's a crime

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned Loved
Looked
Touched
Kissed...
And felt
What’s natural to me

I must be a freak.
But,
If you didn’t create me this way
Who did?

Promise Of Forever; Josh & Leanne Cohn Edition!

Here Comes The Bride; Leanne Keil Edition!

So tomorrow is a big day. Big day for my sweet, weird and loving friend Leanne Keil. First of my friends to get married.

Im excited for her. I’m also scared. I wonder if it’s too soon. But how will you ever know right? She’s a smart girl, a straight A student who’s in love with one of the sweetest guys i have ever come to know. seriously, perfect he is. tolerant and never loses his cool. Just the kindda guy you'd like your friend to share her life with But there’s wrong time for the right things. as much as i am a die-for- love, live-for-love kindda guy, i’m in doubt, if it's too soon? Now, they have been in love forever, and i hope they will ever after too.

It’s a crazy ride. i’m excited to see her as a bride. I’m sure she’s gonna make one amazing one although it’s gonna be a casual, oh-so-too-much-fun beach wedding. Just like the time they randomly bumped into each other in hikka when her brother had taken off with her room keys and clothes! They met, they spoke, They smoked up, shared numbers and then lost it but then she remembered his birthday party invitation he lent that night and dropped by to quickly wish him, but he never let her go. Literally! It has all the right makings of a fairy tale and that’s just the way i want it to be for her!!! Here’s hoping and wishing all the love and luck and wealth and happiness and kids you need!!!

Love you both.
18.06.2010.

Only Thing That Matters When You Love Someone!

Life is all about choices. It’s funny how the choice you make when you’re 18 still can affect you when you’re 22. Whenever you fall in love, it feels like this is it. Whenever someone breaks your heart, it feels like the end of the world. And then comes along someone who makes you feel like all the pain is worth it, all over again. You bet your heart, you bet your soul, sometimes not knowing even little as if they like Taylor swift. Choices, sometimes so small just like those nuclear molecules that destroyed two whole cities. Just so you know, consequences are still felt to date! We have to decide what we want in life. Unless you want to go through your whole life looking life Beyonce in that Gaga video, seems to be having fun but uncomfortable and with an I-so-don’t- belong- here-face. It’s not always easy. Sometime we make mistakes. We all do. And we all might not be so lucky as Beyonce to be having a blast while we live through those moments.

Choices are funny. We know what’s unhealthy, we know what hurts, we know what’s not good but it’s not always easy walking away. If I could, I would walk away. I don’t even know what I’m here for. Maybe I just know how to love someone who’s not perfect perfectly. But the worst thing is knowing and making that mistake. Over and over again. Watching out for those emotional landmines just to step on them ntentionally. Just to blow your heart into million pieces to know you’re still alive. The realization thriugh pain that you’re still truly, madly and deeply in love with a loser who’s not so different to all the other losers. Like some kindda addiction but it’s not always about what’s right or wrong but who’s responsible for them. Sometimes we don’t dare take the safest road, sometimes we don’t think twice before jumping head first, its all about who’s waiting at the end of the tunnel. And where the fun in jumping if you don’t jump head first anyway? So what if we fall in love? What if we take a chance? What if it hurts?

In life we all get hurt; again it’s all a choice. People can hurt you only if you let them. But we let them anyway, with our hands down and call it love. We will get over them any moment we want to. We don’t choose who we fall in love with and we can’t certainly choose when to walk away. Maybe that’s a lie! Maybe we can choose but we don’t want the defeat. Maybe love is a trap. Ones who can believe are the lucky ones; Fools! It sucks. It hurts. But the heart wants what the heart wants, even if its heartache. Maybe somewhere something went wrong. Maybe the heart and head should switch places. Cos I rather lose my mind than being hurt! I don’t know what it even means, all I know is that heartbreak’s a bitch but yet I can’t look away when you smile. I may have the most brainless heart and the most conscious dick; maybe we could’ve been better off if I had it the other way.

But when you love some, only one thing matters, everything!!!

The difference between wishful thinking and denial is hope. You can keep hoping and wishing for your happy ever after until you lose even the will of “right now,” but the thing about fairytales is we all want our happy endings but too easily we forget that before they got there, there were poisonous portions, fire breathing dragons, vicious godmothers and all sorts of unfortunate tragedies. Only the faithful ones survived it. Nobody got their happy ending on a silver platter. Love is magical. One who can believe may be the lucky ones but what do u hold on to when your prince is on stray. Probably those pretty princesses didn’t know about STD’s and how to stalk on facebook.

That’s the thing, we hope against reality and love without limits but is it really love or are we just too afraid to end up in our castle alone? We take risks, we kiss another frog, everything is optional, and everything is a choice. Things so insignificant, have you ever wondered what life would’ve have been like if you didn’t sign up on facebook? What if you had never seen him smile? Wishful thinking or denial I don’t know but I just want us to go back to the way we were. Even if you only break, break, my break, break my heart!!!

But I’m an optimist. Love doesn’t have to hurt; at least it doesn’t have to hurt the whole freaking time. It’s a Beautiful mess, all the organized chaos we bring into our lives, Because when you love someone, only one thing matters, nothing!

I Will Walk Away Slowly!

I'm just gonna sit here,
A moment longer.
Why don’t you just jump up and down on my heart
A little bit longer.
I will pick up all the pieces
And walk away slowly...
Don’t worry,
I will never be fine.
It’s like you suck the life out of me.
Its like you suck the happiness out of me.
There was life before you,
None after you.
Any more innovative ways to break my heart baby?