It Gets Better!

So I’ve been reading about all the teen gay suicides this past weekend and its breaks my heart. And it feels so personal, like I can feel their pain, 'cos i know that feeling. It also sickens me how helpless I feel that there’s nothing much I can do about it. Mostly because that there’s somuch that can be done but I live in a country that being gay is illegal so there’s no way anyone could address this matter in the open but in hiding.



And it kindda makes me mad when an American commit suicide for being bullied. I know it doesn’t matter where you are ,being bullied is hard. Heart breaking and shameful. But try living in an Asian country where being gay is illegal and such a social taboo that can leave you homeless and jobless. Does being insulted still sound like a big deal? Especially when there’s somuch help all around. Don’t get me wrong, I just wish they chose life.



I know it’s not easy when you’re 13 and have to go to school and to be told things that are hard to tolerate. But suicide? I can’t believe how easy lot of these people living in developed countries have it, that everything little thing is such a big deal. It’s like all those spoiled rich kids I know who find it traumatizing to skip lunch to do a group assignment!



Yet, it’s heart breaking ‘cos I know our problems are our own and they are the biggest we know. It’s heart-breaking to know these beautiful people will never live to see the changes that are coming. The better days that are yet to come. And happy days. Graduation. First date. Next Glee episode. New gaga music. Maybe a gay president some day. If African Americans found suicide to be an easy answer during civil rights movement we may never have seen an African-American president. For things we believe, we have to fight. If Mr & Mrs Lovers thought suicide was the easy way out, we wouldn’t have seen interracial matrimonial. Sometimes life is not easy but it gets better, Always.The results you'll see are priceless and might change the world someday.




I live in an Asian country. I live in a place homosexuality is a crime. I live in place where homosexuality is a taboo. I live in a place where homosexuality is a best kept secret. I live in a place where homosexuality is almost a myth. I live in a place where my homosexuality is the most powerful weapon against me. But I still choose to live. Choose to love. Choose to fight for my rights. But I’d be lying if I say I haven’t considered suicide. Sometimes what seems like the only option. -The easy way out. But I was lucky there was more love in my life than hate. And looking back I see how small they all seem. How non-significant and irrelevant! It’s sad some of us never live pass that dark moment to realize this.



How do we let some people get so lonely? People around us. People we know. People we love. How many of us walk away when we can help.



The thing is, a well lived life is the best revenge. ‘cos if you go through with suicide, the people who led you up to it will eventually forget it. Get over it. Seek help maybe. But the truth is they will get over it and move on to live their life. Whose loss?



If you’re considering suicide, remember the ones who love you. Your family. The pain you’re leaving behind. The untold story. Is all that pain worth your easy escape? Don’t prove the ignorant ones right.Prove them that you deserve to be here as much as them.They may seem stronger but love will get you through. Seek help. Call a hot line. Anonymous chat rooms. Just talk. Prove them wrong. Live your life. Achieve what you may.



They say you’re not defined by your sexual orientation. But the truth is, you’re sexual orientation is part of what you are. It shapes you and defines you to a certain percentage. So deal with it. Self-acceptance is the key. When you love your self there’s rarely space for hate to creep in. deal with it, you’re gay. You’re a homosexual. You’re a fag. It doesn’t matter what they call you. Heterosexual will not take offense at pussy licker. Should you take offense at cock sucker? When you stop paying attention to their hate, when they realize that they don’t intimidate you, eventually hate will stop. When you don’t give them what they expect, they will stop. Don’t let them take pleasure out of your pain. Stay strong. Smile, love. Live.



I know sometimes nothing seems right. Sometime no-one seems to understand but remember you’re never alone. You’re not the only one who feels that way and always remember that If you make it through the rough times and live to tell your stories you might save someone’s life. You might change your world and someone else’s with your courage! But if you take the easy way, you might set an example to many struggling teenagers around you that this might be the only answer. So decide for yourself, will you give up or hold on to see the difference. The change, even if it’s in tiny steps, but that we certainly see coming. Will you give up or live to see the better days and tell the story to someone like you to hold on to the truth that ItGetsBetter?


Smile. Love. Live. because, always, ItGetsBetter!

Pieces Everywhere!

Remember
You and me.
Once we were one.
Your new lover is not such a big surprise.
5 feet 10 and no sense of humor.
Wide open legs and light blue eyes.


Maybe strangers,
Friends in the dark.
I'll remember him
When I don’t wanna love you anymore
But,
I’m not that strong.
You’re a hurricane.

Walk away.
I’ll stand still.
I pray
My legs are weak
For both our sakes
we must not go back.

Sorry for everything I never asked from you
Forgive me for everything I offered to you
Take back all the nothing you gave me
Keep my everything
Be kind with my heart.

Friends Or Something Like It!

And I got to think about friendships. People that we meet along the way. People who touch our lives and thne disappear even before the heat it caused fades away. People are different, they have different expectations, sometimes we can’t fulfill them!

Now there are people who put their arms around your neck for a free shot of liquor or for a shot at your hot best friend and they play their game right. How do we ever know if we are being played? And then there are the rumors for ones personal interest. Don’t you just hate it when someone take something you said totally out of context and set fire between friends. When the truth is you actually did say such thing but meant it completely differently.

When friends fall apart, say hurtful things and are we suppose to just let go? But I learnt, rumors, fights, misunderstandings, backstabbing and heart-breaks are good. You get to know who your real friends are. Those who understand you.

So backstabbing. When you’re a group of friends, is showing you concern backstabbing? That someone might be an alcoholic? That someone might be gay. And what’s so poisonous about the truth? Why is it so hard to take the truth standing up like a man and take it. In the end, I wonder, if the good friends are those who smile and just let you do your thing. ‘cos there’s never been a single time that it ended up well when someone said, the douche your best friend seeing is an asshole or the friend who drinks too much and acts violent ruin all the fun. Are we just supposed to wait ‘til everything goes wrong? Or should we just slowly breakaway and watch ‘til it all comes down?

So friends do fight, they say things they don’t mean. Sometimes we do things that are hurtful. But it’s important that we always have conscious that it’s not so outta line because there’s no such thing as forgive and forget. People remember, so next time you have that big fight with your friend, don’t say things you can’t take back. Slap them, but don’t say thing that you can’t take back!

And what about picking sides? When your best friend is having a bitch fit is it necessary we give the nigga please or are we suppose to smile and just say hello! How do we stay civilized yet loyal?

Information you share with friends can be turned around and turned into backstabbing? The things is, there are honest mistakes and then there are intentional damages. How are we to forgive? The truth I rather eat alone than to be sitting at a table full of pretenders. Users.

Now forgiveness is tricky. Just because we don’t talk to someone doesn’t mean we hate them. But once the damage is done isn't it worse to go back and keep the same company. Why are we the bad guys when we fail to forgive, since when is it wrong to have our own defense system against haters?

So the truth is this, friends are precious. And it doesn’t matter what you do, those who stand by you will always do so and those who wanna see you fall, will do anything in their power to make it happen. So be wise, laugh, love, make memories and know that only a very few cherish them so know the ones who do and and hold on to them!

Sex, I And The City!

So finally I got to see sex and the city 2 and I realized I haven’t posted my monthly blog post and here it comes, homage to my favorite TV show, my relationship bible, my addiction, my survival, my emotional time bomb. Remember “we’re so over, we need a new word for over”

So I got my hands on the 4^th season first. Ironic and wired. I don’t even know why I picked it up! I had NO idea what it was about. But then there was Carrie and Mr. big dram and man was I hooked? Somehow 4^th season is my favorite. They never dated during that season. But they were crazy in love with each other through out the season. I painted my room red, ‘cos Mr. Big painted it red. And when Carrie said to Mr. big, “You owe it to us, and by us I mean New York and me…” and then she repeats it to reconfirm the date, “you owe it to us, and… by us I mean you and I...” that was… cute! Me memorable and makes you do crazy things like call the one who got away knowing it might be a mistake, but, “Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.”

And I got an apple ‘cos Carrie’s got one. And I will go to New York just to sit at a star bucks and take a pic looking out of a big glass window. It’s not just a TV show, it’s a life style, it created a whole new generation of single people!

Much I learnt about love and relationships from it but like Carrie nothing I practice somehow it helps very much when I preaches to everyone else. “honey, if he’s too good to be true, he probably is!” and sometime everybody needs space, sometime you have to let go. Mr. big was never wrong, he was just not ready. So what? Sometimes people take time! And we must learn to respect and to know to leave things at a place where we can pick it up again!

I have watched the whole season over more than 10 times, seen the first movie more than 15 times and just under 3 weeks of getting an original copy of the 2^nd movie, I’ve seen it like 4 times. I know every quote. Sometime I imagine losing my memory, and it’s sad that I imagine enjoying it for the sole purpose of having the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen next? Will Mr. big finally come around? will Carrie marry Aiden?

It’s ironic how things so insignificant can turn out to be so “big” in your life. The guy who literally crash into you on the road and help you pick up the stack of condoms that fell from you purse end up being the love of your life! That guy who makes you do the impossible, the guy you compare everyone else to, the guy you think of every time you fall in and out of love. The guy who shut your eyes to the truth that there are better ones out there. The guy who falls in love with another whore who makes you feel so small while you cut off everybody who says he’s wrong. The guy who keep you hoping, take a flight knowing that you’ll wait, stand you up at the alter just coos he knows he’ll be forgiven. That guy, so wrong yet so right!

here's a little confession, if not for sex and the city, i wouldn't have been so screwed up. the hope that all this waiting will be worth it in the end.

Yet it taught me not to expect the right things from the wrong one! Not to expect more than one’s willing to give, sometime you just have to stand still and keep loving , hoping one day, just one day they realize that you’ve been there all along.

I believe every guys must watch this, I know it’s quite the chick-flick but it will teach you so much about women and relationships, let you in on their secrets. Trust me you’ll be wiser! It’s the girl-talk that you’ll have with your woman!

I don’t know why I’m writing this. But it’s the story f my life. I don’t know who Carrie is. I don’t know who Mr. big is. I don’t know who Aiden is, but it’s my life. What do you do when you have found the love of your life yet can’t find a way to work it out? How do you make them believe? Isn’t five years of waiting for nothing in return proof enough?

The again “not every love story is an epic love story, but it doesn’t make them any less filled with love” but does it matter when u lose the one thing that matters to you the most? Are you gonna wait six damn long years hoping that person will find their way to you! Six years, we’re running out of time already!

It sucks, eveytime Carrie given in, I give in. I pick up the phone, I type that message. i'm a masochist for even watching it over again, knowing that it makes me miss you more than i do every minute of everyday!

Things don’t always go your way. Love hurts. It tears you apart. Sometime people you love leave you. You can’t always give people what they need. Sometime you fall in love for the wrong reasons, you end up hurting people. Sometime you waste people’s time, when a man gets down on his knees and lift a ring at you, sometimes you say yes, even though you’re supposed to say no. You make mistakes. That’s alright. You hurt people. That’s alright ‘cos sometimes it’s the only way to stop hurting them in the long run. That punch in the stomach. The wound so bad they may hate you but will realize over time that it was for the best. You can’t make your heart feel something you won’t. Sometimes you risk the company of somebody who truly cares for you hoping for the company of someone YOU really care of.

Of all the crazy out fits and fantasy it portrays the story underneath is very real. The hope that “Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better.” Sometimes love fails you, it knocks you down so hard. Sometime that very person you wanna talk your day through with might not be there. One person you wanna hold will leave you dead cold. So it’s ok to indulge yourself to $1000 shoe, if it gets you on that kindda high!

One thing for sure “No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.” So maybe “boys are just play things and friends are your soul mates” that is convincing. Most of the time they come and go but your friends stick by. “it might not be picture perfect, but sometime it takes a friend to make the picture perfect.” appreciate your friends, don’t take them for granted. When that “big” love fails you or disappoints you, you need a safety net.

I’m not sure if I really wrote what I wanted to write. But here it is, for sex and the city. And here’s hoping they make another six movies although I don’t believe they have quite the magic that the show carried, but it’s always nice to see the girls and spend sometime with them. That might be the gayest thing I’ve said, but it feels good.

So don’t give up, hope against hope ‘cos love exists. Hope for that “big love.” Look for your “Zaa Zaa Zuu,” nothings worth it without that feeling and always remember, “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Between The Lines!

So..,

How can I expain.

A different guy fell in love with an amazing girl

No doubt you’re perfect and

Yes, I did really fall in too deep

And I was scared I’ll lose you, i lost you anyway!

19 Year Old Gay Lovers!

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Loving Is My Sin!

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned looked
For i looked at him
And thought of making love to him
So gently
Like no woman could

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned touched
For i touched him
On places i shouldn’t have
So softly
Like no real man should

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned kissed
For that i kissed him
And tasted his breath
So closely
Like his only man

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned loved
A man with all my heart and soul
And searched for happiness
So secretly
Like it's a crime

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned Loved
Looked
Touched
Kissed...
And felt
What’s natural to me

I must be a freak.
But,
If you didn’t create me this way
Who did?