Or I'll Shoot Myself!

He held the gun to his head.
Tell me,
or I’ll shoot myself.
He was just two feet away from him.
Why didn’t he point the gun at him?
Don’t say it’s love!
Is love that strong?

It would have been so damn effective,
He would have told what he wanted to hear.
But he held the gun to his own head.
Yet, he told what he wanted to hear.
Why didn’t he let him die?
Don’t say it’s love.
Is love that strong?

What did he want to hear?
Tell me,
Or I’ll shoot myself!

I Just Want Someone!

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want somebody to stand in the rain with me. Hold my hand when waves touch my feet. Kiss me when the wind mess up my hair. Share ice cream and hug me to sleep.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to watch American idol with. Just spend hours without uttering a word. Call a fool just because I want to. Someone I can send random texts to.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone I can wake up in the middle of the night just because I feel lonely. Ask the silliest question. To get naughty and be called good.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to sit by me to all the silly chick flicks. Someone I can bug with when my best friend is being a bitch. Hide under when the whole world is a bitch. Someone to randomly call and make him listen o silly song!

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone I can send cards for no particular reason. Write silly notes to. Squeeze ‘til he scream. Someone I can feel the weight on me. Mess up his hair.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone who can drive me crazy. Make me feel. Who makes me so mad for not calling. Who makes me so happy for texting. Just someone I can call my own.






- thank you Savi for the inspiration. -

Have You Ever Loved Someone!

Have u ever loved somebody so much
That you just couldn’t let go?
Have you ever loved somebody so much
That it hurts
And the only way to be brave was to let go?

Have u ever wanted somebody so much
The only way to cope with it was to let go?
Have u ever loved somebody so much
That you missed them that much
The only way to be brave was to let go?

Have you ever loved someone so much
That you lost yourself?
Have you ever missed someone so much
That you felt numb?
Have u ever loved someone?

Kiss Without Attachment!

Kiss without attachment.


So it’s been an age long question, can you kiss without attachment?


We’ve been told that women would never graduate from that school, but really, are men any better? When you’re in that moment, body to body, your finger tips touching, the heat of their breath on your face, your lips touch each other and you feel their heart beat against your skin, is it just a hard on?


You have someone in your arms and for a moment, you think you were the only one to have held them like that. You make love to them and you wonder who they are thinking of? You make love to someone and you wonder if it’s any good for them? You make love to them and their phone goes off and you wonder, am I the only? You tell yourself its just sex. But is it, ever, really just sex?


And then there are the little more important ones. Ones who are not just one night stands but important people who you can’t just keep your hands off. More than friends, less than lovers but, still, all that important in your life kindda ones. These situations that are mostly likely to end up in a whole big mess! Where do you draw the lines when you shack up with your friends? Someone you really adore but don’t wanna get into a whole relationship mess afraid of losing them, yet, too hot not tap that. What are the rules? Can you tell me that you can kiss without attachment? Secretly not wanting to be the only one. No jealousy.


We talk shit. We walk tall, we say we don’t care. We say it’s just sex, But when you lean down to kiss someone, hold so tight closer to your body, are you anything but vulnerable? Are you anything but just two people alone in the world? And what's sex? isn’t it an attachment right there? Honestly, we don’t go around doing that kindda stuff with anyone. We choose. We rule out. We decide. Even though we may have been some places that we may regret and never wanna talk about, there must be something that captured out eyes in the first place!



On the other hand we may walk out that room and go on with life as it was half an hour ago before you walked into that room. Sure, that it is possible to walk away from that emotional attachment and we might survive, but, dose it mean we are ever free of it? Maybe not long lasting, but are we ever free of attachments when we kiss?



It’s all so fine as long as they are vulnerable in your arms so that you get to be the hero. Maybe we just want them to stay tangled up in our messy little emotions so that we don’t have to watch them move on. Maybe it’s the self-fish little creatures in us, maybe it’s the caring little creatures in us that we don’t want the world to see. But who’d believe you, it’s just sex right? Who’s using who and who’s being used?


Does anyone see that the whole no attachment is maybe, just maybe some shield all of us wear scared to be hurt. Rejected. That it could be some silly attempt at keeping things just as they are when we all know change is inevitable? There are only ass-holes and the ones who are being used. Does anyone think for a moment that maybe, that ass-hole is scared of hurting someone but just can’t stay away from all the emotions that come over him that he can’t deny or give a name or describe! Is it wrong to be more practical and think maybe being in love is not the only reason to make love!


You can have attachments without touch, but can you touch without any attachment? Who can wear diamonds without feeling guilty for chopping of some finger of an innocent Sierra Leonian ? Who can two big macs without feeling guilty for all the calories? Who can kick a dog and not feel bad?


And then there’s the non-attached sex between exes. What other ways to spell disaster? With all that past emotional baggage and possibly some unresolved emotions of one party, this is never a good ending. This is the typical human nature with issues of letting go. Let alone to have sex, Who even remains friends after a break up? It only gets worse when one person starts dating others and finally ready to move on. Who’s gonna feel dirty and used?


Someone once told me that sex is the only honest things and love is nothing as such. But then thought to myself, I have fallen in love with people for no particular reason at all. Just for someone unknown reason, butterflies in my stomach. But I have never been sexually attracted to someone for those same reasons, they were all very carefully thought of, some certain type, for a certain walk of life, looks, height.


Now I know there are people who can eat two big macs and not put on weight, and I know people who wears diamonds not even knowing where they come from and people who only like cats. People are different. And maybe that’s the problem. While you draw rules and play the game, sometime players fall short and cheat, they try to bend the rules and the whole team gets the blame and falls apart.


And when it’s all a big damn mess and you’ve already kissed and attached what do you do. What do you do when it’s a real good friend, do you sit and let them fall through. And when you have tried all you can to keep it together, do u just give up? Is a kiss worth it all? and a suggestion that maybe kissing must stop to save whatever else that two people could become, something deeper than an orgasm and something more like friendship, is it worth silent treatment? Or should we just grow up and face the facts? It’s easy to blame everything on someone, clearly the one with no less attachments and more reality for they are the ones who seem strong. Who cares about what they feel, right? What do they know but to sex it up? Does that make you the dog who used your friend, or just more realistic that sometimes you can’t make things out of nothing, That sand castles may look damn pretty but you can’t actually live in them!


So the thing is, attachments are like the wind. There’s no basis to it, it’s just a feeling. Silly little feeling that sneaks in when you least expect it. The unknown reason you’re smiling after that one night you’ve made love to a complete stranger who have now become someone who defines a chapter of your life. And like wind, you cant control these feelings. There’s always someone who gets hurt and someone who feels used. Although it takes two, but there must always be someone to blame! So, Kiss without attachment anybody?

Nineteen!

At 19
It’s hard for you compensate and understand
And rationalize the 23 year old me
To you
I’m just ignorant and blind
Someone who keeps breaking your heart

At 19
You can’t see what I see
That you don’t even know what you want
That you will change
And you might break my heart
At 19
You can’t see I’m afraid too

At 19
You don’t understand
That once I was 19
And I’ve lived through changes to see
What lies ahead of you
I know u think you got it all figured out
But you don’t have a clue

At 19
I’m nothing but an ass hole to you
I can’t wait for you to grow up
And realize that what I did was out of love
Hoping to save whatever we share, for years to come
At 19
Nothing of this matters to you
But at 23, years after 19
You look at life completely differently
And I can’t wait for you
To be 23 and see life that way

At 23
To know that I’m not an asshole
And I understand
At 19,
Everything is against you
But sometime you can’t see
How much I adore you.
Wait and see…

Nothing!

I’m not sorry
About the time I’ve lost
I’m just scared
It will be five years from now
And I’ll still be in love with you

There’s a whole lot of history
And so little memories

I’m so grateful
Of all the lessons I’ve learned
I’m just mad
I’m willing to make those same mistakes
Just to still be in love with you

There’s a whole lot history
And love I couldn’t give to you

I’m not masochistic
Just numb after all those cold night
I’m just broken
But I’ll lick my wounds and heal myself
Longing to still be in love with you

there’s Whole lot of history
Of
Whole lot of…

It Gets Better!

So I’ve been reading about all the teen gay suicides this past weekend and its breaks my heart. And it feels so personal, like I can feel their pain, 'cos i know that feeling. It also sickens me how helpless I feel that there’s nothing much I can do about it. Mostly because that there’s somuch that can be done but I live in a country that being gay is illegal so there’s no way anyone could address this matter in the open but in hiding.



And it kindda makes me mad when an American commit suicide for being bullied. I know it doesn’t matter where you are ,being bullied is hard. Heart breaking and shameful. But try living in an Asian country where being gay is illegal and such a social taboo that can leave you homeless and jobless. Does being insulted still sound like a big deal? Especially when there’s somuch help all around. Don’t get me wrong, I just wish they chose life.



I know it’s not easy when you’re 13 and have to go to school and to be told things that are hard to tolerate. But suicide? I can’t believe how easy lot of these people living in developed countries have it, that everything little thing is such a big deal. It’s like all those spoiled rich kids I know who find it traumatizing to skip lunch to do a group assignment!



Yet, it’s heart breaking ‘cos I know our problems are our own and they are the biggest we know. It’s heart-breaking to know these beautiful people will never live to see the changes that are coming. The better days that are yet to come. And happy days. Graduation. First date. Next Glee episode. New gaga music. Maybe a gay president some day. If African Americans found suicide to be an easy answer during civil rights movement we may never have seen an African-American president. For things we believe, we have to fight. If Mr & Mrs Lovers thought suicide was the easy way out, we wouldn’t have seen interracial matrimonial. Sometimes life is not easy but it gets better, Always.The results you'll see are priceless and might change the world someday.




I live in an Asian country. I live in a place homosexuality is a crime. I live in place where homosexuality is a taboo. I live in a place where homosexuality is a best kept secret. I live in a place where homosexuality is almost a myth. I live in a place where my homosexuality is the most powerful weapon against me. But I still choose to live. Choose to love. Choose to fight for my rights. But I’d be lying if I say I haven’t considered suicide. Sometimes what seems like the only option. -The easy way out. But I was lucky there was more love in my life than hate. And looking back I see how small they all seem. How non-significant and irrelevant! It’s sad some of us never live pass that dark moment to realize this.



How do we let some people get so lonely? People around us. People we know. People we love. How many of us walk away when we can help.



The thing is, a well lived life is the best revenge. ‘cos if you go through with suicide, the people who led you up to it will eventually forget it. Get over it. Seek help maybe. But the truth is they will get over it and move on to live their life. Whose loss?



If you’re considering suicide, remember the ones who love you. Your family. The pain you’re leaving behind. The untold story. Is all that pain worth your easy escape? Don’t prove the ignorant ones right.Prove them that you deserve to be here as much as them.They may seem stronger but love will get you through. Seek help. Call a hot line. Anonymous chat rooms. Just talk. Prove them wrong. Live your life. Achieve what you may.



They say you’re not defined by your sexual orientation. But the truth is, you’re sexual orientation is part of what you are. It shapes you and defines you to a certain percentage. So deal with it. Self-acceptance is the key. When you love your self there’s rarely space for hate to creep in. deal with it, you’re gay. You’re a homosexual. You’re a fag. It doesn’t matter what they call you. Heterosexual will not take offense at pussy licker. Should you take offense at cock sucker? When you stop paying attention to their hate, when they realize that they don’t intimidate you, eventually hate will stop. When you don’t give them what they expect, they will stop. Don’t let them take pleasure out of your pain. Stay strong. Smile, love. Live.



I know sometimes nothing seems right. Sometime no-one seems to understand but remember you’re never alone. You’re not the only one who feels that way and always remember that If you make it through the rough times and live to tell your stories you might save someone’s life. You might change your world and someone else’s with your courage! But if you take the easy way, you might set an example to many struggling teenagers around you that this might be the only answer. So decide for yourself, will you give up or hold on to see the difference. The change, even if it’s in tiny steps, but that we certainly see coming. Will you give up or live to see the better days and tell the story to someone like you to hold on to the truth that ItGetsBetter?


Smile. Love. Live. because, always, ItGetsBetter!

Pieces Everywhere!

Remember
You and me.
Once we were one.
Your new lover is not such a big surprise.
5 feet 10 and no sense of humor.
Wide open legs and light blue eyes.


Maybe strangers,
Friends in the dark.
I'll remember him
When I don’t wanna love you anymore
But,
I’m not that strong.
You’re a hurricane.

Walk away.
I’ll stand still.
I pray
My legs are weak
For both our sakes
we must not go back.

Sorry for everything I never asked from you
Forgive me for everything I offered to you
Take back all the nothing you gave me
Keep my everything
Be kind with my heart.

Friends Or Something Like It!

And I got to think about friendships. People that we meet along the way. People who touch our lives and thne disappear even before the heat it caused fades away. People are different, they have different expectations, sometimes we can’t fulfill them!

Now there are people who put their arms around your neck for a free shot of liquor or for a shot at your hot best friend and they play their game right. How do we ever know if we are being played? And then there are the rumors for ones personal interest. Don’t you just hate it when someone take something you said totally out of context and set fire between friends. When the truth is you actually did say such thing but meant it completely differently.

When friends fall apart, say hurtful things and are we suppose to just let go? But I learnt, rumors, fights, misunderstandings, backstabbing and heart-breaks are good. You get to know who your real friends are. Those who understand you.

So backstabbing. When you’re a group of friends, is showing you concern backstabbing? That someone might be an alcoholic? That someone might be gay. And what’s so poisonous about the truth? Why is it so hard to take the truth standing up like a man and take it. In the end, I wonder, if the good friends are those who smile and just let you do your thing. ‘cos there’s never been a single time that it ended up well when someone said, the douche your best friend seeing is an asshole or the friend who drinks too much and acts violent ruin all the fun. Are we just supposed to wait ‘til everything goes wrong? Or should we just slowly breakaway and watch ‘til it all comes down?

So friends do fight, they say things they don’t mean. Sometimes we do things that are hurtful. But it’s important that we always have conscious that it’s not so outta line because there’s no such thing as forgive and forget. People remember, so next time you have that big fight with your friend, don’t say things you can’t take back. Slap them, but don’t say thing that you can’t take back!

And what about picking sides? When your best friend is having a bitch fit is it necessary we give the nigga please or are we suppose to smile and just say hello! How do we stay civilized yet loyal?

Information you share with friends can be turned around and turned into backstabbing? The things is, there are honest mistakes and then there are intentional damages. How are we to forgive? The truth I rather eat alone than to be sitting at a table full of pretenders. Users.

Now forgiveness is tricky. Just because we don’t talk to someone doesn’t mean we hate them. But once the damage is done isn't it worse to go back and keep the same company. Why are we the bad guys when we fail to forgive, since when is it wrong to have our own defense system against haters?

So the truth is this, friends are precious. And it doesn’t matter what you do, those who stand by you will always do so and those who wanna see you fall, will do anything in their power to make it happen. So be wise, laugh, love, make memories and know that only a very few cherish them so know the ones who do and and hold on to them!

Sex, I And The City!

So finally I got to see sex and the city 2 and I realized I haven’t posted my monthly blog post and here it comes, homage to my favorite TV show, my relationship bible, my addiction, my survival, my emotional time bomb. Remember “we’re so over, we need a new word for over”

So I got my hands on the 4^th season first. Ironic and wired. I don’t even know why I picked it up! I had NO idea what it was about. But then there was Carrie and Mr. big dram and man was I hooked? Somehow 4^th season is my favorite. They never dated during that season. But they were crazy in love with each other through out the season. I painted my room red, ‘cos Mr. Big painted it red. And when Carrie said to Mr. big, “You owe it to us, and by us I mean New York and me…” and then she repeats it to reconfirm the date, “you owe it to us, and… by us I mean you and I...” that was… cute! Me memorable and makes you do crazy things like call the one who got away knowing it might be a mistake, but, “Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.”

And I got an apple ‘cos Carrie’s got one. And I will go to New York just to sit at a star bucks and take a pic looking out of a big glass window. It’s not just a TV show, it’s a life style, it created a whole new generation of single people!

Much I learnt about love and relationships from it but like Carrie nothing I practice somehow it helps very much when I preaches to everyone else. “honey, if he’s too good to be true, he probably is!” and sometime everybody needs space, sometime you have to let go. Mr. big was never wrong, he was just not ready. So what? Sometimes people take time! And we must learn to respect and to know to leave things at a place where we can pick it up again!

I have watched the whole season over more than 10 times, seen the first movie more than 15 times and just under 3 weeks of getting an original copy of the 2^nd movie, I’ve seen it like 4 times. I know every quote. Sometime I imagine losing my memory, and it’s sad that I imagine enjoying it for the sole purpose of having the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen next? Will Mr. big finally come around? will Carrie marry Aiden?

It’s ironic how things so insignificant can turn out to be so “big” in your life. The guy who literally crash into you on the road and help you pick up the stack of condoms that fell from you purse end up being the love of your life! That guy who makes you do the impossible, the guy you compare everyone else to, the guy you think of every time you fall in and out of love. The guy who shut your eyes to the truth that there are better ones out there. The guy who falls in love with another whore who makes you feel so small while you cut off everybody who says he’s wrong. The guy who keep you hoping, take a flight knowing that you’ll wait, stand you up at the alter just coos he knows he’ll be forgiven. That guy, so wrong yet so right!

here's a little confession, if not for sex and the city, i wouldn't have been so screwed up. the hope that all this waiting will be worth it in the end.

Yet it taught me not to expect the right things from the wrong one! Not to expect more than one’s willing to give, sometime you just have to stand still and keep loving , hoping one day, just one day they realize that you’ve been there all along.

I believe every guys must watch this, I know it’s quite the chick-flick but it will teach you so much about women and relationships, let you in on their secrets. Trust me you’ll be wiser! It’s the girl-talk that you’ll have with your woman!

I don’t know why I’m writing this. But it’s the story f my life. I don’t know who Carrie is. I don’t know who Mr. big is. I don’t know who Aiden is, but it’s my life. What do you do when you have found the love of your life yet can’t find a way to work it out? How do you make them believe? Isn’t five years of waiting for nothing in return proof enough?

The again “not every love story is an epic love story, but it doesn’t make them any less filled with love” but does it matter when u lose the one thing that matters to you the most? Are you gonna wait six damn long years hoping that person will find their way to you! Six years, we’re running out of time already!

It sucks, eveytime Carrie given in, I give in. I pick up the phone, I type that message. i'm a masochist for even watching it over again, knowing that it makes me miss you more than i do every minute of everyday!

Things don’t always go your way. Love hurts. It tears you apart. Sometime people you love leave you. You can’t always give people what they need. Sometime you fall in love for the wrong reasons, you end up hurting people. Sometime you waste people’s time, when a man gets down on his knees and lift a ring at you, sometimes you say yes, even though you’re supposed to say no. You make mistakes. That’s alright. You hurt people. That’s alright ‘cos sometimes it’s the only way to stop hurting them in the long run. That punch in the stomach. The wound so bad they may hate you but will realize over time that it was for the best. You can’t make your heart feel something you won’t. Sometimes you risk the company of somebody who truly cares for you hoping for the company of someone YOU really care of.

Of all the crazy out fits and fantasy it portrays the story underneath is very real. The hope that “Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better.” Sometimes love fails you, it knocks you down so hard. Sometime that very person you wanna talk your day through with might not be there. One person you wanna hold will leave you dead cold. So it’s ok to indulge yourself to $1000 shoe, if it gets you on that kindda high!

One thing for sure “No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.” So maybe “boys are just play things and friends are your soul mates” that is convincing. Most of the time they come and go but your friends stick by. “it might not be picture perfect, but sometime it takes a friend to make the picture perfect.” appreciate your friends, don’t take them for granted. When that “big” love fails you or disappoints you, you need a safety net.

I’m not sure if I really wrote what I wanted to write. But here it is, for sex and the city. And here’s hoping they make another six movies although I don’t believe they have quite the magic that the show carried, but it’s always nice to see the girls and spend sometime with them. That might be the gayest thing I’ve said, but it feels good.

So don’t give up, hope against hope ‘cos love exists. Hope for that “big love.” Look for your “Zaa Zaa Zuu,” nothings worth it without that feeling and always remember, “the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Between The Lines!

So..,

How can I expain.

A different guy fell in love with an amazing girl

No doubt you’re perfect and

Yes, I did really fall in too deep

And I was scared I’ll lose you, i lost you anyway!

19 Year Old Gay Lovers!

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Loving Is My Sin!

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned looked
For i looked at him
And thought of making love to him
So gently
Like no woman could

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned touched
For i touched him
On places i shouldn’t have
So softly
Like no real man should

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned kissed
For that i kissed him
And tasted his breath
So closely
Like his only man

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned loved
A man with all my heart and soul
And searched for happiness
So secretly
Like it's a crime

Forgive me lord
For i have sinned Loved
Looked
Touched
Kissed...
And felt
What’s natural to me

I must be a freak.
But,
If you didn’t create me this way
Who did?

Promise Of Forever; Josh & Leanne Cohn Edition!

Here Comes The Bride; Leanne Keil Edition!

So tomorrow is a big day. Big day for my sweet, weird and loving friend Leanne Keil. First of my friends to get married.

Im excited for her. I’m also scared. I wonder if it’s too soon. But how will you ever know right? She’s a smart girl, a straight A student who’s in love with one of the sweetest guys i have ever come to know. seriously, perfect he is. tolerant and never loses his cool. Just the kindda guy you'd like your friend to share her life with But there’s wrong time for the right things. as much as i am a die-for- love, live-for-love kindda guy, i’m in doubt, if it's too soon? Now, they have been in love forever, and i hope they will ever after too.

It’s a crazy ride. i’m excited to see her as a bride. I’m sure she’s gonna make one amazing one although it’s gonna be a casual, oh-so-too-much-fun beach wedding. Just like the time they randomly bumped into each other in hikka when her brother had taken off with her room keys and clothes! They met, they spoke, They smoked up, shared numbers and then lost it but then she remembered his birthday party invitation he lent that night and dropped by to quickly wish him, but he never let her go. Literally! It has all the right makings of a fairy tale and that’s just the way i want it to be for her!!! Here’s hoping and wishing all the love and luck and wealth and happiness and kids you need!!!

Love you both.
18.06.2010.

Only Thing That Matters When You Love Someone!

Life is all about choices. It’s funny how the choice you make when you’re 18 still can affect you when you’re 22. Whenever you fall in love, it feels like this is it. Whenever someone breaks your heart, it feels like the end of the world. And then comes along someone who makes you feel like all the pain is worth it, all over again. You bet your heart, you bet your soul, sometimes not knowing even little as if they like Taylor swift. Choices, sometimes so small just like those nuclear molecules that destroyed two whole cities. Just so you know, consequences are still felt to date! We have to decide what we want in life. Unless you want to go through your whole life looking life Beyonce in that Gaga video, seems to be having fun but uncomfortable and with an I-so-don’t- belong- here-face. It’s not always easy. Sometime we make mistakes. We all do. And we all might not be so lucky as Beyonce to be having a blast while we live through those moments.

Choices are funny. We know what’s unhealthy, we know what hurts, we know what’s not good but it’s not always easy walking away. If I could, I would walk away. I don’t even know what I’m here for. Maybe I just know how to love someone who’s not perfect perfectly. But the worst thing is knowing and making that mistake. Over and over again. Watching out for those emotional landmines just to step on them ntentionally. Just to blow your heart into million pieces to know you’re still alive. The realization thriugh pain that you’re still truly, madly and deeply in love with a loser who’s not so different to all the other losers. Like some kindda addiction but it’s not always about what’s right or wrong but who’s responsible for them. Sometimes we don’t dare take the safest road, sometimes we don’t think twice before jumping head first, its all about who’s waiting at the end of the tunnel. And where the fun in jumping if you don’t jump head first anyway? So what if we fall in love? What if we take a chance? What if it hurts?

In life we all get hurt; again it’s all a choice. People can hurt you only if you let them. But we let them anyway, with our hands down and call it love. We will get over them any moment we want to. We don’t choose who we fall in love with and we can’t certainly choose when to walk away. Maybe that’s a lie! Maybe we can choose but we don’t want the defeat. Maybe love is a trap. Ones who can believe are the lucky ones; Fools! It sucks. It hurts. But the heart wants what the heart wants, even if its heartache. Maybe somewhere something went wrong. Maybe the heart and head should switch places. Cos I rather lose my mind than being hurt! I don’t know what it even means, all I know is that heartbreak’s a bitch but yet I can’t look away when you smile. I may have the most brainless heart and the most conscious dick; maybe we could’ve been better off if I had it the other way.

But when you love some, only one thing matters, everything!!!

The difference between wishful thinking and denial is hope. You can keep hoping and wishing for your happy ever after until you lose even the will of “right now,” but the thing about fairytales is we all want our happy endings but too easily we forget that before they got there, there were poisonous portions, fire breathing dragons, vicious godmothers and all sorts of unfortunate tragedies. Only the faithful ones survived it. Nobody got their happy ending on a silver platter. Love is magical. One who can believe may be the lucky ones but what do u hold on to when your prince is on stray. Probably those pretty princesses didn’t know about STD’s and how to stalk on facebook.

That’s the thing, we hope against reality and love without limits but is it really love or are we just too afraid to end up in our castle alone? We take risks, we kiss another frog, everything is optional, and everything is a choice. Things so insignificant, have you ever wondered what life would’ve have been like if you didn’t sign up on facebook? What if you had never seen him smile? Wishful thinking or denial I don’t know but I just want us to go back to the way we were. Even if you only break, break, my break, break my heart!!!

But I’m an optimist. Love doesn’t have to hurt; at least it doesn’t have to hurt the whole freaking time. It’s a Beautiful mess, all the organized chaos we bring into our lives, Because when you love someone, only one thing matters, nothing!

I Will Walk Away Slowly!

I'm just gonna sit here,
A moment longer.
Why don’t you just jump up and down on my heart
A little bit longer.
I will pick up all the pieces
And walk away slowly...
Don’t worry,
I will never be fine.
It’s like you suck the life out of me.
Its like you suck the happiness out of me.
There was life before you,
None after you.
Any more innovative ways to break my heart baby?

Letters To Romeo; June

To Romeo,

it's the 30th Sunday. 1.32 am and i can't sleep!
somewhere you are crossing an ocean.
maybe u r already here.

i miss you.
and i've been missing you!

but i don't wanna text.
its like you are here and i wanna meet up.
i want to.
but cos u want to.
not because i miss you and u have to be nice.

and u r most likely to say,
"we must meet up"
then disappear
and send a text
"hey i'm back in London,
sorry i was really busy."

so i guess i have to wait til you go back to tell you.

i honestly wish there was a way i could make it all right.
i wish you liked me enough to over look that one mistake i made.
for all the mad ways i love you.
'cos im nowhere near a violent person.
it's been 5 years.
i guess you won't still ask me why
when i say i love you!

i'm sorry i'm making it weird.
it's not i want you to fall in love with me.
i just want you to know.
so when i finally move on, if i ever do
i will have the pleasure of knowing i didn't give up without a fight.

it's been 2 years since our best memories.
which by the way i still remember.
2 years is enough time to get over someone
who barely gave me anything.
but i think of you.
i still miss you.
i don't expect the same from you.
it's too much to ask from a man like you.

you have some amazing people around.
but if you ever need someone. i'm always here.
don't push me away.

i always have and i always will love you.
you will always have a special place in my heart!

Miss The Hell

Here I am sending you off with a kiss
Chase your rainbows and butterflies
You’re so caught up
In a world of fantasies and fairytales
You can’t see me bleeding before you

You’re a confused little boy
But you know we have something real
I know you feel it everytime we touch
You try to escape this feeling
But I know you feel exactly the way I do
And it scares you

Chorus:
I know you want me
But it’s messed up
I’m not gonna get down on my knees
I’m just gonna let you make your mistakes
And I hope he falls in love with you
God I really do, or one day
You gonna miss the hell out of me

You whisper sweet nothings in my ear
And try to make it up to me
I’m a fool in love baby
But I know you really don’t wanna stay
And im not the kind who’d beg you to

What we have is special
But it’s not enough, I get it
And I don’t need a half of your heart
I’ll move on, ill be better everyday
But you gonna miss the hell out of me
And it scares you

Chorus

I know you want something else
And I I’m just filling the gaps right now
You’re caught up in two worlds
You know I can give you everything you need
But some familiar feeling always gets you
Yet you always fall back to my touch
But I’m letting you go

Chorus


I hope he’ll fall in love with you
God help you if he won’t
you gonna miss the hell out of me.

Love And Sex And Magic!

YOU!
Strip me with your eyes
Undone me with your touch
Screw me with your kiss
Blow me with you breath
I,
Come,
Undone!

Things That Get Us Laid, Don't Get Us Love!

So true love... Why is it so hard to believe that somewhere, someone is there for us? Someone perfect. Now perfection is not created or made, it’s there even in the most awful flaws. Call it love. They say if you love some let them go, if they come back, it’s yours. But I refuse. I deny. I think if you love someone you should let them go only because if they really love you they’ll never let go. Because once you love someone there’s no ending to it. The only reasons to be with someone should be the simple fact that you can’t imagine life without them. Like they say, love someone not because you can be with them but because you can’t be without them. So they say, you should never let somebody miss you so much that they will actually learn how to be without you.

Loving takes time. Loving takes effort. So if you’re tired come over, lie down on my lap and we’ll watch movies together, or just lie down, damn it. What’s love if you just want to shut out? ‘Cos I want somebody who’d go the extra mile. Someone who knows what I want. Anybody can buy you a diamond ring but everybody can’t give you butterflies. Not everybody bothers walking you home on a rainy night after a date. Not everybody remembers a hug before leaving the room. Those are the little things that count. Those are the little things that make the big pictures. Those are the little things that screw you up while you lie down trying to let go. Those are the little things that matter the most. Sometimes when it comes to love maybe it’s not so bad that material things define love. Cos there are guys like me who counts every kiss, every text, every call, and every moment together that makes it so hard to deliver. Cos some of us are looking for that dancing in the rain, I’m crazy for you, here’s my heart it’s for you kindda love. .. Cos I’m a kindda guy who’d sit by the window, day after say clutching on my coffee ‘til you come back. That’s happiness to me.

Sometimes happiness is just getting use to the pain. Lady antebellum says “I rather hurt than feel nothing at all” I say “a beautiful song but the bitch is crazy.” I don’t think anyone felt that way since the invention of one night stands and free hugs day. Love is supposed to make you happy. Give you a reason to smile... when it doesn’t, it’s not always easy letting go. Two amazing people can’t always work things. An asshole shouldn’t define love for you. Don’t let anybody push you around or take you for granted. Don’t flatter yourself and think I give a damn; you must have mistaken me for somebody else. Somebody more like you, like what you try to make of me with a shield and no self-respect. Thing about shields is, when you have one, you think everybody else has one too. It’s just yours reflecting on them. We all know life the way we live it. A cheater thinks everybody else cheats, a whore thinks everybody whores, a lover think everybody loves, Not the case. So next time before you speak, think! ‘cos most of the time it’s you, not me.

There are important things in life. Work. Money. Fame but then you have to ask the question is it all worth it if you don’t have someone by your side? Someone who’d care for you and be there for you even when you don’t have much going on. Just you and me. Someone who might not have the world to give but who’d give everything he has. Ambitious is good but I guess love is better! There are no guarantees in life, it’s always a risk. Things that get us laid don’t get us love. Things that get us laid only makes it that much harder and confusing. When you’re good looking, at a certain point in your life, successful, recognizable or married. And sometimes we lose our way. Maybe that’s why sometimes we must just close our eyes and feel the touch. The honesty that can’t be told but can be only felt. When everyone might love you for what they see, I love you for what they can’t see. Cos in the end when the lights go off and its just two people all that matters is what two people share. All the false alarms, they can just shut it. But the thing is they always wake us up and you’ll lie down awake for the rest of your life an its sad when we can’t save people we love from making those mistakes when they are blinded by everything else that they have got going on.

So the thing is as long as you give in you’re the nice person, the moment you disagree you are wrong. Not everybody has to be a Harvey milk. Not everybody has to sacrifice their life to change the world. Sometimes it’s the little things you do that makes the whole difference. Just be yourself, that someone can look at you and see themselves to know that it’s ok to be who you are. To know that there’s someone who understands them, some one who won't judge them. Who knows, you might be saving a life. In silence! We have to live life by our rules. Thing is just because some people are willing to stick by people who treat them like stone and under appreciate them and show no respect doesn’t mean you have to be one of them because if you make a mistake you must say sorry, when someone is nice to you must appreciate it. You can’t always screw up, disappoint and go on like nothing is wrong. Because life is like that, we all should know what we deserve in life and if you feel under-appreciated an unhappy, slap yourself and get with it. If you fall short of giving yourself what you deserve, no one would. So keep them who make you happy closer and set apart from those who bring you down. Smile, feel, hope and believe in love.

:)

26th April 2010, Monday. 12.32 am.
glitter in the air was playing in the background and sky was just perfect.
cloudy with an almost full moon lighting up the sky.
not to mention the lightning.

it doesn't matter
how long it would last
what matter is
'it's just and me'
right now
and we are willing to try...

Confusion!

i won't fall in love with you.
doesn't mean,
i'm NOT in love with you.

i WILL get over you.
doesn't mean,
i'm really that in to you.

SunSet Point!

homage to this amazing, breathtakingly beautiful, magical place i have come to love so dearly. i just can't get enough of this place.

its such an amazing place, just sit and listen to your ipod. i swear every song sounds better there! it's like taylor swift heaven. and time just passes too fast and in a weird way it just stands still too. the breeze. the sea the sunset...

you experience such a natural high, you just have to be there to experience it!
can't wait to go back!!!!









-the sunset-


-i bet they'll remember that moment forever-



-yep! that's me -

"one day i will take you there, and you'll know how much i love you!!!"

Excuse Me!

.

Here’s a match,

Set fire to all our dreams.

Now if you excuse me,

I might have some life left to

Get back to.

.

Opportunity Cost!

So love. It’s a bitch but I love, but we love! Since we turned 14 or 12 there’s the constant urge to be with someone like our biological clock is ticking and 2012 is actually a reality. Maybe it is but why are we so afraid be alone and take sometime to love ourselves, maybe get to know the freak inside? And what’s the big deal about “the one.” What if “the one” is already dead? God forbid! Can it be we are so foolishly blinded by all the fairy tales that we don’t see the reality before us? I mean aren’t we all waiting for superman to save us, all dressed up his blue suit, underwear over his pants and all that we almost don’t notice who save us everyday dressed in jeans and t-shirt?

Maybe we are just ungrateful creatures. I mean the more we love someone the more they tend to love us less. Maybe it’s our fault, the more we make them feel special the less they think of us. We love their imperfections so perfectly that they seem to forget what we love them for. It’s easy to be taken for granted. Once you fall it doesn’t matter what they do, you cant help but keep your heart beating for them. But I wonder what we do it for? Sometimes in think we put ourselves through all that pain not so-much for them but just to prove something to ourselves. It’s almost as if we don’t wanna disappoint ourselves. Look like a loser. Defeated! So we hold on. Its messed up. But it’s true. We try to so hard to prove something to ourselves that we drift so far away from the truth. We start loving a dream far from reality. We make love to what could have been when truth is right in our faces. We fools. We lovers!

There’s nothing worse than giving somebody the power over you. That’s where it all begins. You give them the power to love you; You give them power to hurt you. Power to tell you what to do. Power to tell you what to say. And when you love someone what’s so hard about staying home on a Friday night right? Yes, you give them the power to love; you give them the power to say good-bye. We all have to decide what we deserve in life. Throw in some self-esteem, some self- respect. Love only makes it hard but when you know what you deserve in life, its unlikely you sit and ponder over someone who doesn’t even care enough to show you little as some respect and to care enough about the little tears you cry. It’s not easy as it seems. Somedays it gets the best of you but as long as you know you deserve better, you will have hope. And its ok, it’s not about forgetting all the nice moments you shared. It’s ok, go ahead and remember and always think of them fondly, as an asshole!

It was all my fault. I let you slip through the ‘cracks of my broken heart.’ So many things I did wrong. Like loving you unconditionally, making you feel whole, loving your imperfections so perfectly making you feel too perfect that you actually really thought you were. Wrong sometimes we can be! And I let you push me around, throw me around trying to change me. It was all my fault, blame me. I loved you day and night. I gave you everything and more, you must have thought you’re worth it, that you must be doing something right to deserve it all. I let myself seem so small before you so you’d feel magnificent; didn’t I make you feel all things wonderful? Most of all, I thought you’d love me through whatever, my mistakes. All my fault!

And tell me since when do we talk economics when it comes to love. Since when do we think bot opportunity cost before we fall in love? Are we even talking bot love anymore? Isn’t it supposed to be I will do anything for you, I will die for you and fight for you or have we finally grown some brains in our hearts? So I started to wonder, how masochist we are. How much pleasure we find in our pain and how beautifully we feed that pain. Screaming and fighting, kissing and making up. Love is like that. Maybe our problem is we concentrate so much on happy ever after that we forget to live the moment. Maybe love, we have to play by the rules. But what’s so much about love in it then? Isn’t it supposed to be unconditional and mutual? An erection doesn’t mean affection. Emotions don’t mean adoration. It’s the difference between playing and cheating. Going and leaving. Being alive and simply really living. Why can’t it be all ill die for you, kill for you, ill love you no-matter what? like i do, regardless. I know a douche when I fall in love with one. But my heart hates it. My hearts loathes me. All the pain I put it through. If I was my heart, I would have already quit it. But love is amazing. The feeling is unshakable. It’s beautiful. Like that unexpected rain on a summer day. Raining dreams and hopes with thunder and lightning. But its not thunder, its me screaming I love you.

It’s weird what will bring back the memories. A hug that takes you back and bring right back in to the moment. A song that tears you apart and make you smile. A lover who hurt you and make you stronger. It a circle, its all about how fast you complete it. A memory that won’t fade, a song that won’t end. People walk away, they leave space for others to walk in. We get hurt, we get burnt, and we heal. We learn to appreciate the love we get, things we take for granted everyday but mean the world to us. Someone to talk to, someone to hold on to, someone who can make you feel worthy. No matter what we do, no matter who we are, it’s not about diamonds or pearls, fortune or fame, sometimes all that matters is a touch and a touch only. Someone to look into your eyes and see into your heart. Sit in silence but speak million words. Just sit beside you and understand you. No words spoken but still having the best time. The ocean, rush of the waves, calmness of the depth!

Cos in the end nothing really matters... it dosent matter if they like Taylor swift or not. If they can keep up with our friends. It doesn’t matter if they have done the whole of foot ball team; all that matters is how much you love them. For no reason or rhyme and everything else is just perfectly elastic. Because sometimes it doesn’t matter what you have, what you’ve lost, what’s at risk, we all wanna be loved. We all wanna be held. Told that everything will be alright. Some security that we are not alone. Something that will make everything alright. A hug that last a moment too long! Opportunity cost? Doesn’t matter!

Heart!!! Head!!! Head? Heart?

When you go away, do you remember you’ve left somebody back home? I haven’t had a crush on anybody since you. I know now you’d wanna know about all those people who’ve been in and out of my life..! It’s kindda like I haven’t been hungry since today morning but I've had my lunch and dinner! And you know I push everyone away just to keep you near. No one thinks you’re good for me! They should know, it’s not good for them to tell me that. I can’t get my head around to forget you. My friends say I should play hard to get. Your friends say I should play hard to get. But I don’t wanna play no game. Kindda like I can’t play no game. Whenever I’m around you, I surrender and raise my white flags. I become a puppy. Something that I don’t become round anyone. But you’d never know. My knees go weak whenever I’m around you.!

Sometimes I wish we were shrimps with our hearts in our heads..! Wonder if we would have been any smarter when it comes to the matters of the heart? Or whether we would have been even more screwed up with our hearts controlling even the matters of our head..? Any which way, are we controlled by our hearts or our heads? Or is it a conscious decision we make to blame our hearts where our heads should be?

As the year came to an end I decided this is the year I stop loving you. My head said Bravo! But I couldn’t hear my heart. Now, I have always been a man of my heart, how could I not listen? This is a complex of my heart functioning with extra senses. Who wants a heart with better vision than one’s eyes? It’s like my heart notices your smile better than my eyes.

Some people think this is pain. But for me, this is pure pleasure. Loving you with no reasons, help or encouragement..! I like it, when you don’t have the power to make me stop loving you, no matter what you do…! It’s no use of you staying away or giving me space, I only fall deeper. Nothing helps me fall out. So give me a call, give me a smile and Make me smile while I’m at it. My head disagrees. But I don’t hear my heart, Again!

I’m a man of my heart. You’re more of your head. I wonder what is one to do when hearts and heads collide? I can’t stop wishing on a star and you won’t stop pulling me back to reality..! You think I’m crazy, I think you’re sweet..! you think I’m too nice, I think you’re amazing..! You think I fall in love easy, I think know it’s just you… And that’s just what you refuse can’t see.! These times feel like we have moved out of “Dawson’s Creek” and in to “Sex And The City” and I’m lost somewhere in between…! I wish there was a ladder leading up to your heart room..!

Here’s a thought, it doesn’t really matter if I’m controlled by my heart or my head…! You got it all. just be a little more careful..! “You may think I’m bullet proof but I’m not” nor is my head or my heart!

Can't Read My...

My Right To Breath!

Realized that nothing you do
Ever gonna stop make me loving you
Everytime you hurt me baby
I know im still in love with u
But why can’t we do this
Without making it hard for me
Just ‘cos you know i’d bleed for you
Why do u have to stand and watch me fall

Chorus:
It’s not easy loving for two everyday
When all you do is let me slip away
I don’t know what’s changed between us
But i can’t shake this feeling inside me
That we can be amazing
I'm Hurting, I'm falling apart
But nothing much i can do, cause,
I don't wanna lose my right to breath
So i’m gonna keep on loving you

Somany words that u scream
But just three words i wanna hear
Nothing else really matters baby
You know i’m still in love with you
And that i always will be
What we have become lately
Can’t hold a candle to the good times we’ve had
So just don’t push me down and watch me fall

Chorus

I remember every kiss
That made my knees weak
Silly things that we did
That made us smile
Just one touch and I still surrender
I’d give in without a fight
Any fool would say it’s not healthy
But healthy won’t do if i ain't got you

Chorus

Play Me, Fool Me!

Details In Fabric!

Shapes & Colours!

My Heart, Your Territory ...!

Play me a break-up song
and tell me its a love song
Say what you may say
and mean what u may mean
i will only belive you.!

i'm a fool.!
its my heart im betting
Gambling my love away
i may lose it all
but when would i need any
if u'd break my heart and go away
like i know u will..!

i have given up on my world
Just to make you my everything
only to be standing with nothing
maybe one day..!
I should be running for cover
But i'm only running in to you

Love is not blind, it's stupid
it's not ur fault but mine
I'm falling deeper in love with you
all you gotta do is smile
and i fall, i fall a little more
and you smile, smile a little more...!


*something i wrote sometime back, just thought it goes with the blog title!!!

Colombo Sunset!

Happiness!

sometimes so little... but plenty

If You'd Ever Ask Me!

You don't believe in love

But you like kissing your best friend

And dancing on chairs

You hate big words

But you always get your away

You like Friday nights

And you never wear you hair the way it is

Chorus:

If you’d ever ask me

I’d tell you I know

You like day dreaming.

You play with colours

But you actually see things in black and white

Pictures you take says your story

I’d tell you I know

Though you don’t say, you know I’m crazy for you

Right now you’re my object of affection

There’s a whole lot of other information

But I just say I’ll miss our late night conversations

I know you like John Mayer

I wonder if you like Taylor swift too

You have the prettiest smile

That you take advantage of

You dance with strangers

All the while saying I don’t even know you

Though you never fail to make anybody smile

Chorus

You don’t really like pink

But i know you don’t mind

You have a way of making me feel special

All the while keeping me in my place

I don’t really appreciate it

But I think its kindda cute

Chorus

You like smoking up and shots of tequila

Dancing on chairs and kissing your best friend

you don't believe in love but i know you want to

Would it be wrong if I call you beautiful?

And if you ask me, And if you ask me,

I know one day you’re gonna be great

You’re gonna be great...